#14: The Donkey and The Lapdog: Reloaded (Part 1 of The Donkey Trilogy)

Once there was a man who had a house and a farm. He also had a partially deaf donkey (Equus africanus asinus) and a largely docile lapdog (the generic type) with no useful skill set. Both animals had four legs (no surprises there) but have very different work ethics.

The donkey had a reputation of being diligent and meticulous, and toiled away on the farm every day. Apparently he was very good at it too, and his master rewarded him with plenty of food and a comfortable stable with central heating for him to sleep at night.

Life was actually pretty good – for an ass – but the donkey was never one to be overly happy and content with his lot. He kept thinking about the lapdog, and he thought it was an outrage that he was the one doing all the heavy lifting and yet the lapdog was the one getting all the love.

“I know that according to Wikipedia that donkeys have been used as working animals for at least 5000 years, but I also know – again, thanks to Wikipedia – that there is a small number of donkeys that are kept as pets in developed countries,” the donkey thought to himself.

“I work hard all day long, while that silly dog has an easy life!” he added.

This was actually true because the lapdog basically played all day in the house and performed a couple of simple tricks every other Saturday. Other than that, he was expected to do nothing particularly taxing except run around chasing furry balls, scratch itself and doze off in front of the fireplace while his master drinks brandy.

Not a stroke of work was ever involved and as a reward, he had the privilege of sleeping in a soft bed at night right by the side of his master.

Basically it was a permanent holiday and some people are lucky that way.

As far as the donkey was concerned, that was not the worst part. He was particularly envious of the fact that the lapdog would sit on his master’s laps at mealtimes and given lovely things to eat, despite the lapdog’s poor table manners.

The donkey looked through the window and thought to himself, “I can’t decide whether the lapdog is very smart or very lucky to not lift a finger ever and yet getting all the fussing and petting.”

The donkey was suddenly overcome with a sharp pang of jealousy and said, “I wish I could be more like the dog. The farmer and his wife would rub my belly and pat my head all day, and the only thing I have to do is look cute.”

The next day, the donkey trotted into the house and began to play just like the dog. He started jumping and prancing around the room without realising that his arse was far too big and his movement far too gangly. It didn’t take him long to clumsily run into the neatly arranged chairs and tables.

The donkey was on a roll and he tried to bark just like the little lapdog, but of course he couldn’t.

Then he saw the delicious breakfast spread on the table and jumped onto his master’s lap, just like the dog. In the process, he toppled over the table, broke the chairs, broke the fine china and broke his master’s rib.[1]

The master was not amused and shouted, “You clumsy savage! What in the name of God’s great earth do you think you are doing? You’re a donkey, not a lapdog!”

He grabbed a taser gun[2] and struck the donkey, before chasing the poor thing back to the stable. This was considered borderline animal cruelty in all twelve districts in Kent but more of that later.[3]

It finally dawned on the donkey that he had been daft to pretend to be a lapdog, mainly because he was a donkey. He decided that he would forever be a donkey, doing donkey kind of work, eating donkey food, and sleeping in a donkey stable. Unless, of course, if he came back in his next life as a comb.

Well, folks, life is like that. People always want to be someone else because they are not comfortable in their own skin. It’s a bit like going to a restaurant, where you order something and then look at the elderly couple seated at the next table and wish you had ordered what they ordered.

So you change your order and basically make a bloody nuisance of yourself, and end up having the cheesed off kitchen crew spit in your duck ravioli.

[1] For the benefit of our discerning readers, it’s important to establish that all the donkeying around was far from cute and far from adorable. And just like in life, donkeys just don’t understand.
[2] A non-lethal electroshock weapon sometimes used by police to subdue fleeing, belligerent or potentially dangerous people, as well as fleeing, belligerent or potentially dangerous donkeys
[3] Maybe.

#14: The Donkey and The Lapdog: Reloaded (Part 1 of The Donkey Trilogy)

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