#15: The Ass in the Lion’s Skin: Reloaded (Part 2 of The Donkey Trilogy)

An ass was walking home after pulling at all-nighter at a local tavern when he came across a lion’s skin. Slightly drunk and couldn’t quite believing his eyes, he sniffed, prodded and closely examined the coarse brown fur until he was quite sure there was no lion in it.

Then – for the first time in thirty five years – his brain flickered and he had a brilliant idea.[1]

“I am not brave and never frighten people, even though I have a loud, sometimes chipmunk-like voice that is always a huge hit at karaoke functions,” he said.[2]

The ass figured that if he put the lion skin on and sported fake whiskers, people would think that he was a lion.

“I will be the bravest and the strongest animal in the whole world. After Tyrannosaurus rex, of course, because that guy scares me with his freakishly small hands. And maybe Brachiosaurus as well, because I don’t trust someone with necks that long,” the ass thought.

So the ass took the lion’s skin home and dressed up in it, for he was pretty used to cross-dressing on weekends. He was sure that everyone would be afraid of him and his parents would be so proud of him.

The ass – now in full lion regalia – stood in the doorway, his heart swelling and trying his best to look like a lion. Except that he wasn’t, and quite frankly, he looked like a complete prat and he still smelled like an ass.

The ass now felt like a lion, and he was beginning to think that he was a lion, ignoring the fact that he looked thoroughly ridiculous with his nose, ears and tail sticking out.

The ass was an avid social media user and he had read somewhere on Facebook that people were more afraid of lions than any other animal in the whole world. He figured that since the article had gone viral on social media and his friends had also started blogging about it, that piece of news must be true.

Without checking the veracity of such news items, he marched down to the village like a brave ass he thought he was. What a champion ass!

It was a normal Tuesday afternoon, and the people in the village were going about their business when one of them noticed an odd creature[3] trotting towards them.

The villager got the shock of his life, and not quite believing his eyes, he mustered the strength and shouted, “It’s a lion! Run for your lives, everyone!”

The villagers scampered away and ran helter-skelter[4] and, in the ensuing disorderly haste and confusion, forgot to file for their income tax returns that particular year.

“Help! We shall be eaten alive!” wailed the people, as they ran faster that David Hasselhoff and Yasmine Bleeth ever ran on ‘Baywatch’, and with the ass in hot pursuit.

“This is so much fun!” thought the ass. “People are actually afraid of me! I can get used to this kind of scaremongering and scare tactics, and I can certainly get used to killing people!”

In his excitement, what the ass didn’t notice was the lion’s skin he was wearing began to slip and finally fell off! He just kept chasing after the villagers.

He then grew more confident and foolishly thought he could frighten the people even more if he gave a mighty lion’s roar. So that was precisely what he did, but the only thing that came out of his stinky, filthy mouth was a meek and pitchy ‘Hee Haw! Hee Haw!”

Upon hearing this, the penny well and truly dropped for the people as they now realised that it wasn’t a mighty Lion that had been chasing them. Rather, it was a scrawny, hairy little ass with an over-inflated ego and a penchant for enormous women.

“Look! He is only an ass, and not the saviour and genius that he claimed to be!” one of the villagers said angrily.[5]

“Fancy an ass pretending to be a lion and chasing us! What cheek! Let’s chase him back, skin him alive and roast his ass for lunch,” said another.

Without his lion’s skin, no one was afraid of the ass anymore and they hunted him down. The ass ran away , his tail between his legs, and never seen again. Ever.

The moral of the story are many, but perhaps one of the main learnings is, one needs to be comfortable in one’s own skin and not try to be someone he’s not. Otherwise, it’s just insane and seriously folks, who needs this kind of nonsense?

As for the ass, he should have managed his risks better. He should have used his head a bit more rather than just looking at some dashboard and spewing nonsense at regular intervals using Powerpoint slides.

Without the lion’s skin, the ass had no lion’s courage, and folks, courage is not something you can buy at IKEA during Christmas.

NOTES:
[1] Or so he thought.
[2] He didn’t mention his short legs and over-sized forehead but we all know he had those too.
[3] Of course he was odd, what with his short legs, oversized forehead and ridiculous grin.
[4] This incident was rumoured to have inspired the song ‘Helter Skelter’, which The Beatles recorded in their ‘White Album’, but this is inconclusive and Beatles historians are still discussing it.
[5] Not to mention randomly.

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#15: The Ass in the Lion’s Skin: Reloaded (Part 2 of The Donkey Trilogy)

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